How to prepare for a night of heavy drinking
By getting over your hangover
So, you got hammered last night. Your head is pounding like an off-beat drummer. Your stomach feels like flashbacks of an ill-fated Taco Tuesday. You look at your phone to see a text message in reference to your spectacular talent for projectile vomitting.
Looks like someone had a wild night.
But now you find yourself in a predicament: how can you get over your hangover quick enough in order to get wasted for a consecutive night?
Don’t let a silly hangover ruin the party — follow these simple steps and ignore your liver’s cries for help — and you’ll be on the next train to Crunk-town in no time.
Reminisce
Look through your camera roll to see what kind of fool you made yourself last night. Did you jump onto a tabletop for an unwarranted ‘a cappella’ solo? Did you get a tattoo of your ex-girlfriend’s face on your left buttock? Maybe you urinated in an elevator? Check to your photo library to find out!
*Bonus points for “morning after” texts that make you instantly regret whatever you did last night.
Juice it up
Get a lemon. Squeeze said lemon into a glass, or a mason jar if you’re a pretentious ass. Drink the liquified remnants of the lemon. You can also add honey to your concoction, however, I’d rather not think about bee vomit while I’m holding in my own. Ginger is a nice option for some oriental pizazz.
WARNING: Do NOT drink Limoncello as a substitute for lemon juice. It is NOT the same thing.
Have some toast
They say that burnt toast remedies hangovers — but according to some doctor, the blackened bread must be consumed prior to getting shit-faced. This is due to the fact that charcoal sucks up all the garbage that goes into your stomach — but it could care less about your bloodstream. Since the alcohol is long gone from your stomach, the toast won’t help you now — though it will be very helpful tonight when you jackhammer your liver with more alcohol. Just be careful not to burn your toast too much, or you’ll end up with a good old fashioned gastro-intestinal blockage.
Drink more
Last night you filled your body with diuretics, and now there’s not much fluid left to go around. When there’s not enough fluid — your body gets desperate and searches for water anywhere it can be found. This means the water in your brain might get drained as a last resort, leaving you with a head full of pain and a handful of Advil. Pour a glass of water and get that tasty cocktail of hydrogen and oxygen into your system. You can also drink juice, which will give you some well-needed vitamins and sugar, as well as coffee if you’re an addict and depend on a warm bean beverage to get you out of bed. Drink as much as you want, as long as it’s not alcohol in your glass.
Don’t drink anything that ends in ‘meister’
Germans are crazy. You’re not ready for that insanity yet.
Pray to Dionysus
You’ll need some godly assistance if you plan to batter your body’s reserves for two consecutive nights. Personally, I don’t pray much, but when I do, you bet its to the god of parties and wine. Sorry all other religions but do YOU have a rave-god? That’s what I thought.
Drink electrolytes for a good night
Usually, when I think Gatorade, I think of a beverage I haven’t drank since I was 7 because I’m an unathletic laze-ball who gets short of breath from throwing a baseball. But, I also think of a suspiciously colourful electrolyte beverage that works as a great hangover remedy! Since your body has probably already forgotten what it’s like to have a healthy electrolyte content, treat yourself to a bottle of Gatorade or even coconut water; both will replenish your electrolytes as well as bodily fluids. If you’re in a pinch, eat a battery.
Eat some spinach
Ever wonder why spinach was Popeye’s go-to? He was a raging alcoholic! But at least, he knew how to take care of a hangover: spinach and other leafy greens contain potassium, which gets depleted after a night of heavy drinking. So pop open a can of spinach, flex those deformed biceps, and say hello to a body chock full of potassium.
Find your fast food fix
If you’re reading this, you probably don’t have much self-control, and that’s okay. Embrace it. Have a burger and fries like the obese drunkard you are. Fried and fatty foods stick to the stomach lining, making it harder for alcohol to be absorbed into the bloodstream. This might not cure your existing hangover, but it sure will prevent your next one. So get in the car and head to your local greasy spoon — everyone knows you’re not really on a diet anyway.
Take a nap or three
Hungover mornings aren’t a lot of fun. You wake up groggy with a headache and there’s not much incentive to get up — so don’t. Alcohol messes with the brains ability to enter REM sleep, which is crucial for feeling well-rested. Going back to bed will ensure that you get the sleep you need in order to prepare your body to get wasted. Follow this same step when your wake up hungover tomorrow.
Eat a block of tofu
Protein-rich foods slow down alcohol absorption — which means you will have a longer night and get your money’s worth for the exorbitantly priced drinks at the club. If it happens to be your birthday, you can stick a candle in the tofu block to make a sad birthday cake.
Don’t drink on a mountain
High altitudes lower your body’s tolerance for alcohol, which is a really freaking cool fact.
And now you’re ready to go out and get inebriated. These tips will be sure to help you shamelessly plunge into alcoholism. Repeat these steps as necessary to achieve maximum bender wastedness.
Just remember — drink lots of water, and remove your ex’s number from your phone.
